Monday, December 29, 2008
Okay, so most of you that follow "Shop Notes" - thank you! =D - have watched my absurd struggle with Life this year with mixed emotions. Whether it be a curious, can't-look-away, interest as one might show a highway accident, or felt the kinship of sadness in the losses that seemed so much a part of this year, or even hope, in that all would turn out okay eventually, I have felt a strange bond with everyone that has happened along. Somehow, the journey seems less lonely and the outcome more optimistic, when you have someone to travel with you. The internet has afforded me many kindnesses in the friendships formed and in even the strangers that offered their quiet presence, to the newfound opportunities that sit on the horizon ready to greet the dawn of 2009. I'm very grateful to find this new outlet to a rather quiet, solitary existence.
I can say one thing for sure though, without the Internet and my new friends, I probably would've hidden in my bed through most of it!
This year was nothing though in comparison to 2006, when I lost my sister. That was and still is something I will never get used to, and in most ways, have yet to accept. Since she lived far away and we had fallen away from each other through my stupidity and stubbornness, it's easier to think she's still there and I'm still trying to figure out how to apologize and get us back on track... It's probably not normal, but it's the only coping mechanism I have for such pain.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand...
2007 was crap, 2006 was crappier, but 2008 was just confusing, hectic, sad, and well, absurd! I found out a lot about myself; I'm not as wonderful a person as I want to be, I procrastinate to disaster, I've become a very lazy mother, I blame most bad things on something else besides the fact that I did it, I sell myself short a lot, and I'm not a good friend. The actual 'list' is many pages long, but I'm trying to focus on something more obtainable and less 'all over the place'. All things that, by this time next year, I hope I can say the opposite of!
So how do I start remolding myself? Have you ever asked that? Where in the he** does one start on such a mess of a blob of cells?!?
Well, here's my plan;
- Stop criticizing myself and focus on the good points - hard, yet do-able, I hear! :)
- Tear up the sign I made in 1986, "Don't do today what you can put off until tomorrow" - really, I did print and hang that stupid thing!lol
- Focus, focus, focus - get rid of mile-long lists and start working on the workable. Don't get distracted by all of the wonders of the internet. Work on things that can be done, don't try to perfect everything, and don't worry about being perfect myself!
- Shoot for realistic goals - only look at what I can actually achieve and don't run into blaming others for my failures or shortcomings.
- Schedules do work, if they're realistic - but be flexible so I don't have a stroke!
- ASK others for help or advice - I'm not a superhero or a 'one-woman-show'! Right now I'm like a guy that can't ask driving directions; fixated on being able to 'do it myself' - this makes life so much more difficult than it has to be! Find out what others have done to work things out and realize that I'm not alone!
- Prioritize - this is one of the things that cause me to lose focus; I'm putting all the wrong things at the top of my lists! I've completely moved my family and friends to the bottom and then off the list... wrong, wrong, wrong!
- Establish some "me time" - I'm not even in the same notepad as my priorities! I rarely take time to even eat properly(if at all!) because I have "so much to do"!
- The Big One; balance - Balance work, life, home, and business. Home life(family) should have 50% at least on the scale of time used, Business/Work should be a 35%, and Internet Misc, a nice 15%.... that's how I'm going to split it up for now and see how it works :)
- Everything is adjustable - there's nothing set in stone in Life. Don't panic if I missed a lunch date or didn't get the front room cleaned up on the day I planned - I've been so hard on myself and all that has resulted from that is the feeling of failure, disappointment, and self-doubt and yes, loathing! That's pretty harsh, but there's no other word to describe the self-digust I feel when I screw up all over the place, or don't meet a deadline because I've procrastinated!
- Enjoy life! period. Too short is what I've learned these last few years - I could go tomorrow and what would I see when I look back at my life? I want it to be a good reflection! If all you have is regret, remorse, guilt, and the feeling that you could have done so much more, or done It so much better, then you have failed the game "Life"! I've always preached to my children to make sure they can live without regret, yet it's all I can look back on for myself. Physician, Heal Thyself!
- Be Thankful! For what you have, don't have, will have. Be Thankful that you have the chance to 'make it right'. Be Thankful that you have this one life to do amazing things and be an asset to yourself, your family, your friends, and the world at large!
promise, and a chance to "do it right!" Now, I know we've all said that before, maybe we say it every year? But for some reason, unknown to me right now, it feels different this time - something new is in the air!?