ah grief, my old friend  

Sunday, December 7, 2008

First off, I want to acknowledge again, all those that sent prayers and well wishes for Jim and Mary - it won't be forgotten and I can never say how much it meant to me personally. I've been putting off this post because I know I'm going to cry, but I thought since I am already, I might as well get this done.
Mary's gone. 5:19pm - they removed her ventilator and she only survived for 3 minutes. It was peaceful, but oh, so sad. Jim is okay, he's strange right now - but I recognize that strangeness, been there, done that. When my husband passed, I'm sure they thought they'd have to hospitalize me, but I made it. Even though it's been 16 yrs, I still think of him every day and I'm sure that Jim will do so as well - it just never goes away, it gets milder, but never forgotten...
Tomorrow I'm going with him to help with funeral arrangements. It's been so long that I'm not sure I remember what needs to be done - I was a mess and probably couldn't remember much anyway, but I'm hoping I can help him.
Roger has been by his side for most of the time - he went up to see Mary the day before. When he joked with her, as he used to always, about dancing(she was wheelchair ridden since her stroke) and that she needed to get up, her blood pressure actually went way up! She also moved her hand in his, so we know she knew that he was there and it sure did make Jim's face light up. I know when they shut off the vent that he was straining trying to will her to survive, but it just wasn't meant to be.
He's been trying to accept it and throw himself into the logical side of preparing the funeral arrangements and notifying everyone, but Roger finally took over that part as you could see the strain in his eyes from the pain of it all. Her kids that live close wouldn't come up to see her, and even the one daughter that lives near where they will lay her to rest says she can't come to the funeral unless Jim sends her money. That seems to be all that they all want, and it's so hurtful to Jim. Roger wants to punch out her son, but out of respect he won't of course, but why does it have to be this way?
I'll never forget everyone at Lynn's arrangements talking about what they wanted and how hurt they were that he took his own life. They had no idea the pain he was in and didn't want to feel for him, just themselves. I, being only the wife, really didn't get any respect in that I might know what was best for him or such. The only say it seemed I had was in his coffin. I remember telling the director that I just didn't want him to be in an old pine box. I was too poor to have much say, but he didn't put him in an 'old pine box' - it was a new pine box covered in grey felt?!? :( I still hate that. He was a veteran and deserved far more!
But anyway, I also have to help with the clothing and I wished I knew her better - all I can do it seems is write stuff down and help with the shoulder. I can feel his pain and hope that I can be strong for him - he needs that now.
So, that's that - the sun was shining so bright and warm today - seemed like it all was so out of place? My old friend is back, the pungent taste of grief and pain... strong in my memories

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4 comments: to “ ah grief, my old friend

  • Tammy's Treasure Chest
    December 8, 2008 at 12:11 AM  

    I'm so sorry. You all are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Deer Mountain Creations
    December 8, 2008 at 12:56 AM  

    Thank you Tammy, I know you were hoping for a better end to this story too...
    {{{hugs}}}
    F

  • Pamela
    December 8, 2008 at 5:30 AM  

    I remember the pain of grief, even after 10 years, it can reach out and grab you and take hold. Try to remember the good times, not the grief, not the sadness, and may God bless you and keep you in your pain.

  • BINA
    December 16, 2008 at 5:32 AM  

    i'm so sorry to hear about this and i know this is late in coming, i just haven't really been keeping up with everybody because of obligations here. i know how difficult this must have been and the memories it brought up for u. i will keep u and jim in prayer that papa god brings u the peace that surpasses all understanding. mary can dance and sing and be free of the encumberances of this earth now -- we can take some small comfort in that!
    blessings my friend!
    bina

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