Darkness  

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Do you ever feel that you're in some sort of dream that you can't wake up from? It's been like that all of my life and I can't help but feel even more dazed and confused as I watch the scenes from snippets of dark movies flash blurringly all around me.
Day before yesterday I ran into my friend's daughter at Walgreen's. After a few moments of catch-up she asked if Roger had told me about her mom. I said he hadn't mentioned anything and she hesitated for a moment before revealing that Denita was in the ICU and wasn't expected to live through the holidays.
I couldn't help the tears as she related how her condition had so rapidly advanced and she was now a mere 56lbs and delirious.
Denita's been sick for quite a few years - nearly ever since I've known her. A type of leukemia that she seemed to have in control. We had talked a few times about what might happen and the time frame involved, but it just never dawned on me that she could go so quickly, and without so much as a whimper. I saw her last in Walmart, so skinny, toting an oxygen machine and driving around in a motorized cart. She didn't look good, but she was saying that they just didn't have her meds right... I always take for granted, I guess, that my friends and family will be around forever and don't pay attention the way I should. But she was busy, being with her daughter, whom she'd had so much trouble with. It was nice to see them together and that is what I was focused on. She really didn't seem to 'need' me like before and I felt that as soon as the drs got everything 'straightened out' she'd be her same old self... too late, always :(
I'm hoping that I will get caught up on orders and get to go see her in the next couple of days. Surely I have some time still?
I think they're all getting a little tired of my sadness and the 'impending doom' look I have when I see them. Kay is so sweet, but I know when I talk to her that she gets annoyed at my tears - of course she'd rather have some quality time with her friend than this!
I'll be seeing her tomorrow, but she has to wear a mask and such so that if I have any germs she won't pass from the exposure I could subject her to. I'll probably stand on the porch and talk to her through the screen door. Another reminder that life is WAY too short! :(
And now, Jim is waiting for Mary's kids to arrive to say goodbye, before they let her go. She hasn't regained consciousness and the doctor said today that half of her heart has died. He's beside himself in grief, but is trying desperately to put on a strong face for everyone. I have such a hard time trying to figure out how this could've happened. I know we're not supposed to question the wisdom of God, but I really don't feel this is something of a benevolent God's doing!
So I asked Ryan tonight why everyone around me is going away? I don't know if it's that I'm older and therefore everyone else is older, and that's what you inevitably go through with an older circle of friends.
I'm not sure what is going on, but I really don't like it - not one bit!!

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3 comments: to “ Darkness

  • Tammy's Treasure Chest
    December 4, 2008 at 4:01 PM  

    I'm so sorry to hear of all the sadness. That's the one thing I hate the most about getting older. everybody else is getting older, too. Hang in there, and go see your friend. you may NOT have much time.

  • Pamela
    December 5, 2008 at 5:53 AM  

    I am sorry for all of your pain, it is not only the old who we lose, so just try and remember everyday is a gift, remember the good times with those who have gone an and try and be strong for the living...God bless you and your loved ones

  • Deer Mountain Creations
    December 5, 2008 at 6:44 AM  

    Thank you so much Tammy and Pam :) I am always amazed by the internet and how I have found such wonderful and warm friends here - I treasure you more than you know!
    I think what is strange about this dying thing is the ones who are going through it aren't worried about themselves, just about the ones who have to keep on after them.
    I was talking to Roger this morning about it and realized that I, too, am not afraid of dying, I just don't want my loved ones to feel the pain. For me it's almost overwhelming and I can't imagine my boys going through it...
    Love and {{{hugs}}}
    F

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