Once more, for the hell of it...  

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Well, it's sure been a week - everything happens around here at the same time.
I was helping Jim Monday with arrangements for Mary, which seemed somewhat easier being on this side this time. Jim did well, and I was proud of him. The funeral director lady was a little too pragmatic for me, but I tried to keep Jim busy through her mantra about bodies and dates of arrivals etc... it was weird.
When we went back to Jim's he showed us a book that Mary had written in 1989; Hortense and Gertrude. I have heard that title before and found myself quite intrigued to find out she had several more volumes of children's stories she'd written. He might let me publish them and I'm easily thrilled by the idea of carrying on her legacy! :) I wish I could do something about her home - the walls are covered in beautiful eagles she's painted and little kitschy stuff everywhere - very eclectic but warm and homey - a style that is very close to the very core of me! What a creative and talented soul she was!! Maybe something good will come of all of this?
I had planned the next day to go see Denita. It started snowing but I found myself still happy about the journey to see my friend. I realized that she may not even know I was there, but still I would be by her side for a little while.
It continued to get colder and the snow deeper, but whatever - I can usually do what I put my mind to, so what's a little snow!?
The next morning I awoke to around 9" of fresh frozen snow - the wind was picking up and I was beginning to seriously wonder about my decision. I heard the phone ring, but I was rushing around getting orders ready to post, so I didn't realize that anything important was going on until Roger's words stopped me in my tracks, "Denita died last night". He was so monotone that I thought I may have misunderstood so I kept standing there waiting for him to clarify his statement. I hadn't heard wrong though. sigh... He had told Vivian that I was out working and would call her later. I guess he was hoping that by his telling me that it would be easier to take. In a way it may have appeared so, but in truth it just made it seem more surreal. I didn't cry really, and haven't until tonight.
We had a Christmas concert to go to tonight - running down the mountain on icy winding roads is enough to keep me distracted from the dreaded dark of night! When we got to the concert though and all of the unknown faces greeted me, the reality of this loss kind of hit me right between the eyes. After all of these years I didn't see more than 3 or 4 people, besides teachers and faculty, that I actually recognized?
It's not like Denita would've been there - her kids graduated with mine pretty much - but it dawned on me that all of the people that made this a community for me in the past were gone. Whether they've died, moved on, or just had kids that grew out of the school doesn't really matter, they're gone just the same. Blah, what a crappy feeling - I need to find my smile tonite. My face feels like I've had a bad dose of Botox! :(
Anyway, Kay kind of brought everything in perspective the other day when she said to not feel bad for her, we're the ones that are left to feel the loss and she won't be in pain anymore. I could tell that that was how she really felt and wasn't just trying to cheer me up. She was so silly about it all that it just really made me look at death in a whole different way - I sure do love that woman! :]
So with that, even though even the local doggies seem to be passing away from obscure diseases and I have only a handful of friends left, I vow to carry on - no more dark posts, no more will the stale pall of death and loss overshadow me! I will do as Kay has bid; live with everything you have, enjoy every moment, and pass from this world knowing you've left something behind that's worthy of remembering you by!
Done and done - now, I'm going to go be with my babies and new puppy and breathe in the air that carries the hope that only holidays like Christmas can give - life doesn't stand still for anyone, and it is our choice what we do with what we have....

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5 comments: to “ Once more, for the hell of it...

  • Pamela
    December 12, 2008 at 6:41 PM  

    "I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death."-Robert Fulghum:

    May God bless you and keep you strong.

  • Tammy's Treasure Chest
    December 13, 2008 at 1:32 PM  

    I'm sorry to hear about your friend, but I'm glad to hear that you are being positive about it all! That's a great quote Pamela put in here, cause it's true.
    I think we need to celebrate someone's life, even as we mourn their passing. The mourning is for us, because we hurt that they're gone from us, but I truly believe that they are still here, and happier, we just have to look with our hearts to see them.

  • Deer Mountain Creations
    December 15, 2008 at 9:01 PM  

    Have I told you girls how much you mean to me?? What awesome friends and comforters you both are - I am truly blessed :)

  • BINA
    December 16, 2008 at 5:38 AM  

    wow u have certainly had more than ur share of grief. but ur friend kay is right -- we mourn for ourselves, not for them. if we believe in papa god, we know that our friends r with him now -- doing all the things they loved to do -- and perhaps as guardian angels. i believe my mom is a guardian angel.
    hang in there -- and yes, u've got the right attitude now -- enjoy every moment!!
    blessings my friend,

  • Deer Mountain Creations
    December 20, 2008 at 11:03 AM  

    Thank you Bina :) I have had a lot to work with this year, but good friend make the sour easier to handle because they counteract it all with their sweetness! Thanks for always being there :0) I do so love and appreciate my friends!

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