Deer Mountain Wood Art

Well, it's sure been a week - everything happens around here at the same time.
I was helping Jim Monday with arrangements for Mary, which seemed somewhat easier being on this side this time. Jim did well, and I was proud of him. The funeral director lady was a little too pragmatic for me, but I tried to keep Jim busy through her mantra about bodies and dates of arrivals etc... it was weird.
When we went back to Jim's he showed us a book that Mary had written in 1989; Hortense and Gertrude. I have heard that title before and found myself quite intrigued to find out she had several more volumes of children's stories she'd written. He might let me publish them and I'm easily thrilled by the idea of carrying on her legacy! :) I wish I could do something about her home - the walls are covered in beautiful eagles she's painted and little kitschy stuff everywhere - very eclectic but warm and homey - a style that is very close to the very core of me! What a creative and talented soul she was!! Maybe something good will come of all of this?
I had planned the next day to go see Denita. It started snowing but I found myself still happy about the journey to see my friend. I realized that she may not even know I was there, but still I would be by her side for a little while.
It continued to get colder and the snow deeper, but whatever - I can usually do what I put my mind to, so what's a little snow!?
The next morning I awoke to around 9" of fresh frozen snow - the wind was picking up and I was beginning to seriously wonder about my decision. I heard the phone ring, but I was rushing around getting orders ready to post, so I didn't realize that anything important was going on until Roger's words stopped me in my tracks, "Denita died last night". He was so monotone that I thought I may have misunderstood so I kept standing there waiting for him to clarify his statement. I hadn't heard wrong though. sigh... He had told Vivian that I was out working and would call her later. I guess he was hoping that by his telling me that it would be easier to take. In a way it may have appeared so, but in truth it just made it seem more surreal. I didn't cry really, and haven't until tonight.
We had a Christmas concert to go to tonight - running down the mountain on icy winding roads is enough to keep me distracted from the dreaded dark of night! When we got to the concert though and all of the unknown faces greeted me, the reality of this loss kind of hit me right between the eyes. After all of these years I didn't see more than 3 or 4 people, besides teachers and faculty, that I actually recognized?
It's not like Denita would've been there - her kids graduated with mine pretty much - but it dawned on me that all of the people that made this a community for me in the past were gone. Whether they've died, moved on, or just had kids that grew out of the school doesn't really matter, they're gone just the same. Blah, what a crappy feeling - I need to find my smile tonite. My face feels like I've had a bad dose of Botox! :(
Anyway, Kay kind of brought everything in perspective the other day when she said to not feel bad for her, we're the ones that are left to feel the loss and she won't be in pain anymore. I could tell that that was how she really felt and wasn't just trying to cheer me up. She was so silly about it all that it just really made me look at death in a whole different way - I sure do love that woman! :]
So with that, even though even the local doggies seem to be passing away from obscure diseases and I have only a handful of friends left, I vow to carry on - no more dark posts, no more will the stale pall of death and loss overshadow me! I will do as Kay has bid; live with everything you have, enjoy every moment, and pass from this world knowing you've left something behind that's worthy of remembering you by!
Done and done - now, I'm going to go be with my babies and new puppy and breathe in the air that carries the hope that only holidays like Christmas can give - life doesn't stand still for anyone, and it is our choice what we do with what we have....
Blessings,
Freida

First off, I want to acknowledge again, all those that sent prayers and well wishes for Jim and Mary - it won't be forgotten and I can never say how much it meant to me personally. I've been putting off this post because I know I'm going to cry, but I thought since I am already, I might as well get this done.
Mary's gone. 5:19pm - they removed her ventilator and she only survived for 3 minutes. It was peaceful, but oh, so sad. Jim is okay, he's strange right now - but I recognize that strangeness, been there, done that. When my husband passed, I'm sure they thought they'd have to hospitalize me, but I made it. Even though it's been 16 yrs, I still think of him every day and I'm sure that Jim will do so as well - it just never goes away, it gets milder, but never forgotten...
Tomorrow I'm going with him to help with funeral arrangements. It's been so long that I'm not sure I remember what needs to be done - I was a mess and probably couldn't remember much anyway, but I'm hoping I can help him.
Roger has been by his side for most of the time - he went up to see Mary the day before. When he joked with her, as he used to always, about dancing(she was wheelchair ridden since her stroke) and that she needed to get up, her blood pressure actually went way up! She also moved her hand in his, so we know she knew that he was there and it sure did make Jim's face light up. I know when they shut off the vent that he was straining trying to will her to survive, but it just wasn't meant to be.
He's been trying to accept it and throw himself into the logical side of preparing the funeral arrangements and notifying everyone, but Roger finally took over that part as you could see the strain in his eyes from the pain of it all. Her kids that live close wouldn't come up to see her, and even the one daughter that lives near where they will lay her to rest says she can't come to the funeral unless Jim sends her money. That seems to be all that they all want, and it's so hurtful to Jim. Roger wants to punch out her son, but out of respect he won't of course, but why does it have to be this way?
I'll never forget everyone at Lynn's arrangements talking about what they wanted and how hurt they were that he took his own life. They had no idea the pain he was in and didn't want to feel for him, just themselves. I, being only the wife, really didn't get any respect in that I might know what was best for him or such. The only say it seemed I had was in his coffin. I remember telling the director that I just didn't want him to be in an old pine box. I was too poor to have much say, but he didn't put him in an 'old pine box' - it was a new pine box covered in grey felt?!? :( I still hate that. He was a veteran and deserved far more!
But anyway, I also have to help with the clothing and I wished I knew her better - all I can do it seems is write stuff down and help with the shoulder. I can feel his pain and hope that I can be strong for him - he needs that now.
So, that's that - the sun was shining so bright and warm today - seemed like it all was so out of place? My old friend is back, the pungent taste of grief and pain... strong in my memories

Do you ever feel that you're in some sort of dream that you can't wake up from? It's been like that all of my life and I can't help but feel even more dazed and confused as I watch the scenes from snippets of dark movies flash blurringly all around me.
Day before yesterday I ran into my friend's daughter at Walgreen's. After a few moments of catch-up she asked if Roger had told me about her mom. I said he hadn't mentioned anything and she hesitated for a moment before revealing that Denita was in the ICU and wasn't expected to live through the holidays.
I couldn't help the tears as she related how her condition had so rapidly advanced and she was now a mere 56lbs and delirious.
Denita's been sick for quite a few years - nearly ever since I've known her. A type of leukemia that she seemed to have in control. We had talked a few times about what might happen and the time frame involved, but it just never dawned on me that she could go so quickly, and without so much as a whimper. I saw her last in Walmart, so skinny, toting an oxygen machine and driving around in a motorized cart. She didn't look good, but she was saying that they just didn't have her meds right... I always take for granted, I guess, that my friends and family will be around forever and don't pay attention the way I should. But she was busy, being with her daughter, whom she'd had so much trouble with. It was nice to see them together and that is what I was focused on. She really didn't seem to 'need' me like before and I felt that as soon as the drs got everything 'straightened out' she'd be her same old self... too late, always :(
I'm hoping that I will get caught up on orders and get to go see her in the next couple of days. Surely I have some time still?
I think they're all getting a little tired of my sadness and the 'impending doom' look I have when I see them. Kay is so sweet, but I know when I talk to her that she gets annoyed at my tears - of course she'd rather have some quality time with her friend than this!
I'll be seeing her tomorrow, but she has to wear a mask and such so that if I have any germs she won't pass from the exposure I could subject her to. I'll probably stand on the porch and talk to her through the screen door. Another reminder that life is WAY too short! :(
And now, Jim is waiting for Mary's kids to arrive to say goodbye, before they let her go. She hasn't regained consciousness and the doctor said today that half of her heart has died. He's beside himself in grief, but is trying desperately to put on a strong face for everyone. I have such a hard time trying to figure out how this could've happened. I know we're not supposed to question the wisdom of God, but I really don't feel this is something of a benevolent God's doing!
So I asked Ryan tonight why everyone around me is going away? I don't know if it's that I'm older and therefore everyone else is older, and that's what you inevitably go through with an older circle of friends.
I'm not sure what is going on, but I really don't like it - not one bit!!

Wow, do I wish I could work in this new IT world!! I could see myself in the place of my dreams; Australia!! Working for one of the top 500 websites in the world? Not too shabby! BUT, since I can't, here's the link for all of you lucky bloaks! :) These are awesome, top rated opportunities that I would've died to have when I was a young, geeky, IT professional! God, I envy you!!!!!

Back in the day - yes, I used that line!!lol - when I was in my late teens I proudly toted my KayPro 4'84 around, running the only 24/7 BBS in the Northern California area(at 300BPM!?!) and founding the Crescent City Computer Users Group. I thought I was all that and a bag of chips! I even went to Denny's Corporate office in LaMirada, CA to teach them how to use the Accounts Receivables software they were attempting to implement...

I was also running my own computerized bookkeeping company as well as working for JAJones Construction as payroll clerk and bookkeeper on the Pelican Bay Prison project. I taught them how to computerize all of their accounting and payroll and was set to travel the world! I'd just been offered a job that would put me in Egypt - I was unstoppable - until I met my first husband; Jake... I won't even go there! I'll just say 2 years of hell and inevitable bankruptcy and I was left with two babies and no job. Yike!

When I finally woke up and came to my senses, I divorced Jake and met my second husband, Lynn. We had our ups and downs but were happy, and I was happy, devoted to being a good mom, leaving the high-tech/business world behind.

I was working in a BP gas station, in Brookings, OR, when I met David White. He and I got to talking and after he talked with everyone I knew or ever did know I found myself programming CAD/CAM for David's highly respected software company, SimSoft, Inc. - PCModel and CADMotion were my toddlers - as well as Shipping Director to dozens of countries and answering questions for CADmotion users such as IBM and hundreds of top Universities... damn! I miss those days!!

I look back at some of my papers and notebooks and can't believe I was the one writing that stuff!?! I was even one of the first Certified Testers for dBaseIV and wrote several programs with that beautiful piece of engineering =D

In in the height of my 'career', in June 1992, my hubby, Lynn, took his life and I lost my mind. David begged me to reconsider my irrational move to Colorado and even offered to set me up here, where I could start and headup the MidUS office he would open, just for me!?! I flat turned him down - I had to leave, escape, run! I was out of my mind and ended up dragging my, just-turned 2 and 4 year old, babies across country to a place I had never been... In some ways, Colorado saved my life, in some ways destroyed it. I can pretty much say that anything I had to do with computers ended that year. But I can't blame a place for my insanity and grief! I just wish sometimes I'd had listened to those that told me to wait until my mind quit reeling...

Anyway, this was supposed to be an article about finding a great job opportunity! I don't know what happened, but if you've read this far down, then I don't know what to say!?lol You've got to be bored senseless!!!!! Now, get back to work! =D

I'm outta here! Just got another puzzle order last night and I have to get going - it was sure interesting reminiscing about all of this old stuff - memories... hummmm

Thanks, always!, for "stopping by the shop!" and listening to my ramblings... I've been inhaling way too much lacquer, sawdust, whatever, though this morning I think...

Peace,
Freida



to find out more about the above referenced companies/products, please click on their respective links - all references are property of their respective companies, ie., tm Ashton-Tate tm Borland etc...

My best friend died the night before last and it sure left me in a slump :( I have been trying to distract myself with work and last night just couldn't keep going. I went to bed at a record time of 11pm!?! I wished I could say the extra sleep was worth it, but I'm definitely in bad shape this morning - even my SI joint has a large 'bump' on it and sitting here is grief... My son got in trouble, well more like his friend got him in trouble, the same night Cora passed and I'm tired of being so strong and capable! But that's for my other blog...


Anyway, here's what's up at DeerMtn -

• 16 x 20 Portrait Puzzle for client
• 2 Custom Portraits for client
• 2 NFL Helmets for client
• 1 large "Bronco's" sign for client
• Publishing "INTARSIA, Creating Art from Wood" book, hopefully, this next week
• Adding more product to new websites; ShopHandmade.com and Boundless.com
• Finishing Angel, hopefully tomorrow
• Finish CubScout site I volunteered to create! ugh! lol
  
• Cora's funeral is Friday - quite a bit of travel time involved in that one...