Deer Mountain Wood Art

First off, I want to acknowledge again, all those that sent prayers and well wishes for Jim and Mary - it won't be forgotten and I can never say how much it meant to me personally. I've been putting off this post because I know I'm going to cry, but I thought since I am already, I might as well get this done.
Mary's gone. 5:19pm - they removed her ventilator and she only survived for 3 minutes. It was peaceful, but oh, so sad. Jim is okay, he's strange right now - but I recognize that strangeness, been there, done that. When my husband passed, I'm sure they thought they'd have to hospitalize me, but I made it. Even though it's been 16 yrs, I still think of him every day and I'm sure that Jim will do so as well - it just never goes away, it gets milder, but never forgotten...
Tomorrow I'm going with him to help with funeral arrangements. It's been so long that I'm not sure I remember what needs to be done - I was a mess and probably couldn't remember much anyway, but I'm hoping I can help him.
Roger has been by his side for most of the time - he went up to see Mary the day before. When he joked with her, as he used to always, about dancing(she was wheelchair ridden since her stroke) and that she needed to get up, her blood pressure actually went way up! She also moved her hand in his, so we know she knew that he was there and it sure did make Jim's face light up. I know when they shut off the vent that he was straining trying to will her to survive, but it just wasn't meant to be.
He's been trying to accept it and throw himself into the logical side of preparing the funeral arrangements and notifying everyone, but Roger finally took over that part as you could see the strain in his eyes from the pain of it all. Her kids that live close wouldn't come up to see her, and even the one daughter that lives near where they will lay her to rest says she can't come to the funeral unless Jim sends her money. That seems to be all that they all want, and it's so hurtful to Jim. Roger wants to punch out her son, but out of respect he won't of course, but why does it have to be this way?
I'll never forget everyone at Lynn's arrangements talking about what they wanted and how hurt they were that he took his own life. They had no idea the pain he was in and didn't want to feel for him, just themselves. I, being only the wife, really didn't get any respect in that I might know what was best for him or such. The only say it seemed I had was in his coffin. I remember telling the director that I just didn't want him to be in an old pine box. I was too poor to have much say, but he didn't put him in an 'old pine box' - it was a new pine box covered in grey felt?!? :( I still hate that. He was a veteran and deserved far more!
But anyway, I also have to help with the clothing and I wished I knew her better - all I can do it seems is write stuff down and help with the shoulder. I can feel his pain and hope that I can be strong for him - he needs that now.
So, that's that - the sun was shining so bright and warm today - seemed like it all was so out of place? My old friend is back, the pungent taste of grief and pain... strong in my memories

Well I finally got to see Dr. 90210 (you remember, I mentioned in on the BlockHead talk radio program last Monday night?) and am just delighted that they are going to work through their problems! See, divorce, not always the answer!! =D
I was thinking about my oldest being gone in college and I realized that that is what has me down lately. Everything, except for financially (you know about that too, eh?!), is going really well right now - but I'm overwhelmed by a very dark shadow anyway!?
But I realize now that, even though he's not far away and comes home often, not having Ryan here has been like having a death in the family! He's not here and I cannot talk to him when I want, hold him when I need a hug, or be subject to his long heavy legs lying on my lap while we watch a movie. I have told myself many times to put it out of my mind, and I've lost many that I loved and remember telling myself the same thing during those times. It was a cold and lonely air of recognition; my old 'friend', grief, that washed over me at that moment.

So how do I change it? I still have Tyler and Austin here, and they are still very dependent on me, so why this hole in my soul?? and how do I fix it so I can get back to my old self and be there for my other two boys as well as my husband, friends, and clients?? Something I guess I'll have to try to put some extra effort into to change...
Roger got to work with Jim today and said it was the best day the two have had in a long while. Jim was cheerful, fun, and a pleasure to be around. All that said, as soon as their work was done, Jim was flying down the road to see Mary.
I haven't heard from him yet tonight, but I sure hope it will be a good visit for them!
I got to tell him this afternoon, before they quit work, about all of your well wishes and prayers and I'm quite touched by the tears that welled up in his eyes. He really is a sweet person and I know that he would be amazed at all of the emails, comments, and convos I've received for him! I intend to print them all out for him to see =D and I'll let you know what he says!
Well, in between all of the homey interruptions, it's only taken me 3 hours to get this written!lol So I will close with a fond adieu' for now and send wishes of peace and happiness your way - until next time;

Thanks for "stopping by the shop!"
Freida

Wow, do I wish I could work in this new IT world!! I could see myself in the place of my dreams; Australia!! Working for one of the top 500 websites in the world? Not too shabby! BUT, since I can't, here's the link for all of you lucky bloaks! :) These are awesome, top rated opportunities that I would've died to have when I was a young, geeky, IT professional! God, I envy you!!!!!

Back in the day - yes, I used that line!!lol - when I was in my late teens I proudly toted my KayPro 4'84 around, running the only 24/7 BBS in the Northern California area(at 300BPM!?!) and founding the Crescent City Computer Users Group. I thought I was all that and a bag of chips! I even went to Denny's Corporate office in LaMirada, CA to teach them how to use the Accounts Receivables software they were attempting to implement...

I was also running my own computerized bookkeeping company as well as working for JAJones Construction as payroll clerk and bookkeeper on the Pelican Bay Prison project. I taught them how to computerize all of their accounting and payroll and was set to travel the world! I'd just been offered a job that would put me in Egypt - I was unstoppable - until I met my first husband; Jake... I won't even go there! I'll just say 2 years of hell and inevitable bankruptcy and I was left with two babies and no job. Yike!

When I finally woke up and came to my senses, I divorced Jake and met my second husband, Lynn. We had our ups and downs but were happy, and I was happy, devoted to being a good mom, leaving the high-tech/business world behind.

I was working in a BP gas station, in Brookings, OR, when I met David White. He and I got to talking and after he talked with everyone I knew or ever did know I found myself programming CAD/CAM for David's highly respected software company, SimSoft, Inc. - PCModel and CADMotion were my toddlers - as well as Shipping Director to dozens of countries and answering questions for CADmotion users such as IBM and hundreds of top Universities... damn! I miss those days!!

I look back at some of my papers and notebooks and can't believe I was the one writing that stuff!?! I was even one of the first Certified Testers for dBaseIV and wrote several programs with that beautiful piece of engineering =D

In in the height of my 'career', in June 1992, my hubby, Lynn, took his life and I lost my mind. David begged me to reconsider my irrational move to Colorado and even offered to set me up here, where I could start and headup the MidUS office he would open, just for me!?! I flat turned him down - I had to leave, escape, run! I was out of my mind and ended up dragging my, just-turned 2 and 4 year old, babies across country to a place I had never been... In some ways, Colorado saved my life, in some ways destroyed it. I can pretty much say that anything I had to do with computers ended that year. But I can't blame a place for my insanity and grief! I just wish sometimes I'd had listened to those that told me to wait until my mind quit reeling...

Anyway, this was supposed to be an article about finding a great job opportunity! I don't know what happened, but if you've read this far down, then I don't know what to say!?lol You've got to be bored senseless!!!!! Now, get back to work! =D

I'm outta here! Just got another puzzle order last night and I have to get going - it was sure interesting reminiscing about all of this old stuff - memories... hummmm

Thanks, always!, for "stopping by the shop!" and listening to my ramblings... I've been inhaling way too much lacquer, sawdust, whatever, though this morning I think...

Peace,
Freida



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